The Mystery of the Chopstick
by RMB
Summary: Edward and Cate are neighbours who passionately hate each other. When the Chinese delivery guy mistakes Cate for Edward's wife again, things get heated. Fighting, sweet lovin' and complications ensue. Rated for lotsa smut. ;-
1. The night the poor duck died

_Nice job you überhorny, pathetic moron. Way to go with the whole dead, raw and cold thing._

Edward let out an exasperated sigh and ran his hand through his messy hair. He looked down at his latest victim. Cold, hard flesh on stone cold marble. The last breath of life long gone, no happy chatter anymore, no frantic, heated movements.

_You should have known this before, Fuckward. You make the mess, you gotta clean it up._

He wasn't sure if he could do it, though. He had been eager, willing to perform the task ahead, he had promised he would make it amazing and unforgettable, yet now that he was standing in front of the whole mess he'd created, he just wished he had listened to his father.

_Damn straight, listen to the old man next time! Or at least pay someone to do the dirty work!_

It was simply too difficult, no matter how much he tried, Edward couldn't bring himself to take the knife and get working on the dead body in front of him. It was too much for him, not his bag of chips AT ALL. Just because all his brothers did it on a regular basis didn't mean he had to follow suit. _"Just give it a try, Eddie, you will LUUUUUV the kick you get out of it,"_ Emmett had said. "Fuck you big brother and your fucking advice," he muttered to himself.

_Now don't go blaming your brother, loser, you were only thinking of all the boinking you'd get afterwards, and you damn well know it._

Yeah, the sex. Edward grinded his teeth together and tried not to think about it, but not succeeding in the least. He just couldn't wait any longer and he had hoped that tonight's ugly performance might just get him the ticket to some sweet'n'sticky heaven.

_Yes, maam! Sweet, sticky, deep and tight! YES!_

Edward tried to ignore his growing erection, a problem he had been having a lot lately. It was entirely her fault that he couldn't stop thinking about those lush thighs and those full lips. He looked down at his victim, but quickly shook his head afterwards.

"Fuck this, I'm ordering Chinese." Famous last words, with which Edward grabbed the duck on his marble kitchen counter and threw it into the garbage bin.

_Dude, you won't be getting your freak on with that attitude!_

"I know….dammit," Edward sighed, as he picked up the phone to order something to eat that didn't come raw.

Twenty minutes later, Edward was lying on his big, off-white sofa and zapping glumly through every one of his two hundred and fifty channels, while waiting for his Chinese food. He couldn't wrap his mind around any of the dull shows on TV. His thoughts wandered away to a beautiful body with long, sexy legs and big, blue eyes set in an absolutely stunning face. He felt his erection grow again.

"Damn it!" Edward cursed heavily and threw the remote control hard against the wall, where it broke in two. He was so mad. Mad at his brothers, mad at himself but above all, mad at _her_. Mad that she made him such a whiny, little sucker. He hated to be so emotionally fucked up. He hated _her _for that. He got up from the sofa, bristling with anger, to save his remote control, when he heard the doorbell.

"Finally!" he hissed and ran his hand through his messy brown hair. He still had his white, old high school team shirt on that he had chosen for his first cooking attempt. He loved this shirt, but it was washed-out and made him look dirty and messed up. But he didn't care about his outfit. He just wanted to have his Chinese food, damn it.

When he opened the door however, he instantly wished that he had cared more.


	2. Those shoes are killa

Edward stared at the visitor waiting outside his door. It was the freaking nightmare of high fashion. Catherine McAdams, his downstairs neighbor and the brat from hell. Edward had crossed paths with her a few times before, and never, not once was the outing pleasurable. Catherine was the most spoiled, high maintenance, arrogant and unfriendly girl he had ever met. And she was also Hawt, with a capital H. And hell yes, she knew it, too.

_Damn right, __fuckhead, she's HAWT. Go get her! We both know it's been AGES since you last got some!_

Edward swallowed hard as he took in her appearance. Apparently she was about to go out because that flimsy excuse of a dress was definitely not daylight suitable. It had small halters and showed off lots of creamy ebony white skin that was most likely silky soft. The black lace fabric was an enticing contrast to her pale skin and the hint of cleavage it showed made Edward's nether regions react violently.

_Well stupid, guess what, she has tits! The most fucktacular tits!_

But the real killer was a little more south. Her flimsy black lace dress was short, really damn short. And fucking hell did that woman have amazing legs, lush, supple, creamy ivory and beautifully toned. As a final punch in the face, she was wearing the sexiest shoes he had ever seen. They were black patent leather with long, long heels. Edward gulped. Coherent thoughts had long disappeared from his head and the only thing he could concentrate on was the aching pain in his dick.

_FUCK ME! Or no, dude, FUCK HER! Like right fucking now!_

"Edward," Catherine said in a sultry voice that sent shivers – yes, actual freaking shivers – down Edward's spine. His mouth was extremely dry, but somehow he managed to rasp out her name.

"Catherine," he mouthed and she gave him an annoyed look.

"Tell that stupid Chinese delivery guy of yours that I am not 'Mister Edward's wife'. He made me pay for your bloody food again and I am actually rather fed up with that."

_You do realize she's totally asking for it__, right? Maybe she's into bondage, too._

Edward tried very hard NOT to think about tying her to his bed and having his wicked way with her. He didn't really succeed, though. "I'm sorry, Catherine, I will tell him again. I guess he just likes, ahem, looking at you." Catherine scowled, probably going straight into bitch mode, but suddenly her face softened as she looked up and down Edward's body and got a wicked grin on her face. Shit! Shit, shit, fucking shit!

_Exactly, she s__aw the goods, man! And she likes!_

Or not so much. Edward cleared his throat and tried to speak, but Catherine best him in the last second. "Well, Edward, apparently you are really, really into your Chinese food. Must be a real turn on, that hot sauce they put into their chop suey, huh? I really hope that Bella person you are constantly trying to get into your bed will appreciate the chop stick and the dumplings. I know I would." Her voice was sultry and Edward couldn't believe what she had just said. She had a point, though, he had been trying to romance Bella Swan since he met her four months ago, but she never seemed really interested and even though he hated to admit it she never got his blood boiling – or his dick aching – like that McAdams bitch.

_That's coz Bella is boooooring and little Catey is fucking delectable! Just like that sweet pink pussy of hers!_

Before Edward could form a reply he heard his phone ring. The shrill sound didn't get him to move, though, and after the answer machine had picked up Catherine cocked her head and asked, "Are you deaf, Cullen? I mean, I knew you were a bit of a retard, but deaf? Your phone was just ringing off the hook?" The distinct beep of the machine gave way to Bella's soft voice.

"Hey Edward, it's me, Bella, I am reeeeallly sorry and I know this is kinda last minute, but I can't make it tonight, I, ahem, well something important came up that I can't put off. Sorry. See you at work. Bye."

_Dude, you just got dumped. So much for that tiny chance of getting some, loser!_

"Dude, you just got dumped," Catherine said softly with that evil grin of hers on her face. Edward swallowed again. "Well, guess I'll be staying for dinner then, since I paid for it and all," were the last words Edward heard before he felt Catherine rustle through the door beside him.

Edward just stood there and watched silently as Catherine walked into his kitchen and placed the boxes with food on his marble kitchen counter. His mouth was dry like the desert Gobi and he stared at her as if there was a ghost right there in his kitchen.

_Damn it Edward, cowboy up, there is the hottest girl on earth in your kitchen, right next to your kitchen counter. Think__ about everything you can do…TO HER...ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER! And you just stand there like a dumbass with a brain disease!_

"Edward, do you need an invitation to your own kitchen? I think the food will not stay warm forever!" Catherine pronounced with a sarcastic tone.

_Dude, come on, the sex is literally waiting for you!_

With great effort he pulled away from his location at the door and straightened his shoulders. "You wanna play games with me? Then we have to play on my rules!" he mumbled and entered the kitchen. But his intentions to be the game leader were forgotten the minute he saw her exquisite figure leaning against the table, her long lush legs crossed, tapping with the chopstick against the surface of the big wooden table. Her face was unreadable. He couldn't tell if she was mocking him or if she was just waiting for him.

_Oh my god. Dude! Look at her! All sex o__n legs, long legs, hawt legs._

"There you are. I thought I'd have to put up a want ad for you," she almost whispered, her voice devilishly low. And all Edward could do, was stare, all coherent thoughts vanished from his brain again.

_Oh man, you fucked it up! You look like a moron on speed._

"Not really talkative today?" she asked with a sultry tone. And suddenly, with one quick movement, she dropped the chopstick to the kitchen floor. "Whoops, seems that I'm a little bit clumsy today," she said. Her low, erotic voice sent shivers down his spine and down to some other regions. He flinched and had to suppress a guttural groan.

With agonizing slowness she bent down and picked up the chopstick, giving Edward a deluxe rearview of her pristine figure.

_How did you deserve that, __you dumbass? Having this devil in your apartment and doing nothing but stare!_

Edward knew that it was there, the animalistic, deep, overwhelming need to touch that woman, to be with that woman, to possess her in every way possible. He instantly hated himself for that. She was a bitch, and passionately so. But apparently his dick didn't give a shit.

_Who the hell cares? She is still dressed and already it's the closest to having sex you've come in years. Loser._

"Okay, now seriously Edward, this staring thing has to stop. I get it, I'm hot and you're desperate, I get that too, no need to emphasize the obvious. AGAIN." Catherine's words might have been reprimanding, but she couldn't hide the big smirk on her face. Edward was flustered, he so didn't get what was going on in that beautiful yet bitchy head of hers, yet he still felt he should apologize for checking her out so shamelessly.

"I'm, I, I'm sorry, I didn't want to…ahem…stare," he choked out and felt even more embarrassed than a few minutes ago. He just couldn't look into her eyes and the bitch surely noticed. But when Edward looked up again he saw her normally bitchy and contrite features soften. She came one step closer, chopsticks still in hand and Edward felt not only the head on his neck throb.

"You know, Cullen, you are the only guy I know who doesn't give me a cheap pick-up line. It's kinda cute," Catherine said softly and Edward was sure he could hear a shade of sadness in her voice.

_There goes "Hey baby, wanna fuck?" Damn it__, you idiot, too late. And to top it off she called you cute, L.O.S.E.R._

Edward swallowed. Cute, she had actually just called him cute for being a complete and utter fucktard. He managed a wry smile. "You know, I am not as bitchy and scary as you think, believe it or not," she almost whispered.

Edward actually felt a little less intimidated and was almost sure he would be able to talk without stuttering like a fucking retard.

"I…I'm not as stupid as you think, believe it or not," he managed and Catherine smiled gently. Suddenly her smile stopped and then everything became a big blur.

The last things Edward actively registered were the few steps she took gingerly towards him and the sound of the chopsticks falling to the floor. Then all of a sudden he felt her soft lips on his.

_YES! Get out the big guns! Like now!_

She was soft for about two milliseconds before she all of a sudden turned wild and untamed on him. Her lips covered his almost angrily and when they parted Edward felt her tongue over his lips and then stroking his. He couldn't help but groan, a sound that came so deep from his throat he was sure she could feel it on his lips.

He didn't know where it came from, but within a second he had her pushed against the kitchen counter with his hands tightly on her hips, fiercely pulling her against his straining erection repeatedly. "God, Edward," she moaned between kisses and it only made him pull her tighter. Catherine's hands were in his messy hair and Edward felt her pull at it roughly. It was heaven.

_Oooooooh yeah! Like a sex machine man!_

Then suddenly she stopped. It took Edward a few moments to register the change in temperature, movement and urgency, but when he looked at her he saw a pained expression. Not emotionally pained but like actual physical pain. "Catherine, are you okay? Did I hurt you?" he asked nervously. Her eyes were clamped shut, her lip a tight line and she held one of her hands to her heart.

"Can't…speak," she ground out and Edward got seriously worried. His inner doctor instantly tried to read the signs her posture was giving him.

"Catherine? What the hell is wrong?" The last thing Edward saw was Catherine almost collapsing to the ground from the obvious pain she was suffering. It was obvious that she couldn't breathe properly. Edward knew without a doubt that it must be an asthma attack.

"Catherine, I need you to calm down. I think you're having an asthma attack. Have you ever had one before?" his voice came out scratchy and wished he sounded more like a professional doctor and not like a complete idiot. In no time he was next to her and knelt down beside her. Her face was pale white and her eyes were open, her expression twisted in pain. Her breathing was low and ragged. Her lips had been full and red two minutes ago, but now they were almost colorless and with a sickly blue touch to them. He took her icy hand in his. "Catherine, tell me, do you have an inhaler?"

_Okay. Excellent, first you stare__, then you stammer, and now the girl is dying right in your kitchen. This is your lucky day, dude._

"Yes," was all she managed. She clutched her throat as if she wanted to explain to him in how much pain she really was.

"Okay, honey, please try to calm down. I'm here. Breathe slowly and deeply. Everything is okay, I'm right here. Breathe...in and out...in and out," he told her with a soft voice. "My littler sister has asthma as well. She always keeps her inhaler in her purse. Is that where you keep yours?"

Catherine's answer was a slight nod. He located her black Prada purse on the kitchen counter.

_Fortunately it's a small purse, because with your luck you would be searching for hours for this damn little spray._

He rummaged through the purse and found the spray within seconds. Her rushed to her side again, put one arm behind her shoulders and helped her to sit up. "Here, take a deep breath," he said, as he put the spray pump into her mouth and pushed. Catherine kept trying to regulate her breathing and Edward helped her to another pump from the inhaler.

Her ragged breathing eased gradually. She let her head fall against his shoulder with exhaustion and closed her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered, "thank you so much."

_YES! Dude, you did it! And now "Thank You"- Sex!_

He picked her up from the floor and carried her to his sofa bridal style. Carefully he wrapped a blanket around her and put a pillow behind her head. "Edward, I think I should go...your food's all cold now and I don't want to bother you," she said softly but he saw that talking exhausted her. She could hardly keep her eyes open.

"Catherine, don't be stupid. You had a pretty bad asthma attack. I would never let you go now. You stay here and sleep for a while. Don't worry about a thing," he told her tentatively and took her hand in his again. Catherine mumbled something he couldn't understand, and the next minute she was asleep on his couch.

About an hour later Edward suddenly jumped in his chair when he felt a soft hand on his shoulder. "Jesus Christ!" he swore in shock and then looked up to see Catherine's apologetic smile. He pulled his earphones out and put his iPod aside.

"I'm so sorry, Edward, I didn't want to give you another shock," Catherine said softly and Edward noticed that her voice was still a bit raspy.

_Dude, she is still grateful! Just nail her on your fucking desk already!_

"No, no, it's okay, don't worry, I was just so absorbed in my work I didn't notice you getting up," Edward almost whispered because he still didn't trust himself and his voice when she was near.

"What are you working on?" Catherine asked and gestured towards his books. Edward closed the book awkwardly and coughed once.

"Oh! Ahem, it's nothing, just some catching up I gotta do for work on alternative child therapies," he answered swiftly.

Catherine looked a little stunned. "You're a doctor? I didn't know that! That's so…hot," she said with an almost seductive smile. Edward almost chuckled.

_Come on, doc, play the hot doctor card!_

"Yeah, I'm a doctor, just like my dad. Well, still in residency actually, but he makes do a lot of research for him. He thinks I need to widen my horizons to become better." Catherine could hear a little pride and most of all respect and love for his father in Edward's voice.

"Is that why you reacted so quickly earlier? Normally people completely freak out when I have an attack and they're not in the know," she explained. Edward watched her lean against his desk with her front to him. She was so close he could feel the warmth coming off her body.

He swallowed hard. "Ahem, yeah, I guess. It's what I know, it's what I'm comfortable with, no need to stress out." He started playing with the pen in his hand nervously.

_Uh, you know, dude, you really are a loser. Just keep talking her to sleep._

Catherine put her hands on the desk for leverage and Edward instantly noticed she was seeking physical contact. "Makes sense, yeah. So, don't you think it's your duty as a good man of medicine to make sure I don't suffer from any other injuries?" she said, her tone seductive again.

_Uhm, like yeah! Full body examination!_

Edward was at a loss for words. He just felt his cock react to her words. Suddenly he felt her small hand on top of his as she plied his fingers apart and let the pen fall to the desk with a barely audible thud. He could feel the soft skin of her delicate fingers as they clasped his securely and moved his hand towards the naked skin of her thigh. When he came in contact with the even softer creamy silk texture, he made a guttural noise.

_OMG. Nobody will believe you. First you save her life and then she's all ready to let you fuck her. Now don't do anything stupid__, Cullen, this is a once in a lifetime chance._

He let his hand wander higher up her thigh, her skin soft like satin. She had her eyes closed and enjoyed his soft caresses. Slowly he lowered his head and pressed a butterfly-soft kiss on her knee, his hands still on her lush, pristine skin. She let one of her hands fall into his hair, ruffling his messy brownish strands. He repeated his kisses on the other knee and let his mouth wander higher. Catherine moaned with pleasure.

"Oh my god, Edward, you're so hot...please don't stop...this is so good," her voice was seductively low and sent shivers right down his spine. He let his hands wander more frantically, tasting and probing her soft flesh.

Suddenly a loud ringing sound disturbed the erotic interlude. "Your phone, again...but...you're not home, are you?" she asked decisively, pulling up his face to look straight into his eyes.

_Dude...DON'T!_

"Sorry, I think I have to pick it up. Maybe it's my Mom. She's not been feeling well lately and since the divorce from my father," his voice trailed off as he saw Catherine's face turning into a stone.

_Okay, now it's official, you're the biggest, fucking loser on earth.__ Mommy's calling, sorry but I can't fuck you, Catherine. Mommy's not feeling well._

The phone was still ringing. "Edward, that's not true, is it?" Catherine asked, her voice frozen like ice cubes in a Martini glass.

Edward just gave her another apologetic look and quickly rose to pick up the phone. "Hello?" he simply said and Catherine could hear the distinct strain in his voice. "Hey Mom, yes I did speak with him, but…no he didn't…yes, but…" Catherine noticed that his mother kept interrupting him and that Edward's face became more and more a mask of worry and helplessness. He must be suffering from his parents' divorce more than he wanted to let on.

Just a minute ago she was fuming with anger and also disappointment – not that she would ever admit that she wanted Edward Cullen more than was holy – and was determined to tell him where exactly to stuff his problems and leave with a big bang. But the way he spoke to his mother, the worry, the love in his voice, made her soft. Damn him and his gentle side.

She knew more about parents breaking up than she would have cared to know and all the hardship that came with it wasn't foreign to her, either. It made her heart ache, to know what he must be feeling, and that he surely must be suffering. It added a whole new depth to the feelings she had for him. An hour ago she hated him like the pest and thought he was a geeky loser. Twenty minutes ago she wanted nothing more than have him fuck her hard on his bloody desk until she saw stars and forgot her own name.

But now, now she wanted to ease his pain, to make it easier, to show him that being close to somebody else can help you forgot the hell breaking loose around you. What a fucking emotional mess. The thing she knew for sure though, was that she needed him, like right fucking now, for whatever reason. That was something she could figure out later.

"Mom, calm down, it won't be a problem I assure you…no that's not necessary. Mom, listen, I have…yeah, okay…love you, too Mom."

Edward hung up and didn't move for a whole minute. His back was facing her and Catherine could see the tense muscles in his neck working. Obviously he was deliberating what to say, how to apologize, how to finally get into her panties. Catherine smiled. She clearly had the advantage here because she already knew he was gonna get lucky eventually. Edward, however, didn't and that made it all the more fun. When he finally turned around her face was serious and pissed off again. Let the games begin.


End file.
